WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP) — U.S. Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) sent shockwaves through the Republican Party today when he announced that he would endorse Donald Trump for President, but only if the GOP nominee would be willing to publicly support a ban on masturbation. The Senator called this ‘The single most important issue facing the country today’ and that without ‘swift action by the next President the country was doomed to slide down a slippery slope of debauchery and self-satisfaction’.
“Self-love is a silent killer in this country. This needless act of hedonistic indulgence is leading our children down a dark and destructive path. It starts innocently enough with a JC Penney catalogue or the Playboy centerfold tucked under your mattress, but it quickly spirals out of control, and before you know it, your mother has to call the coroner because you’ve died from auto-erotic asphyxiation. I’m not saying that we lock up these one armed bandits and throw away the key; what we need is a compassionate approach that helps these deviants reform and become productive members of society. If Mr. Trump is willing to acknowledge the severity of the problem, and commit to finding real solutions, I will do whatever it takes to help him secure the White House in November. Should Mr. Trump decline, I think it’s safe to say that all options, including a third party run, are on the table.”
Donald Trump told ABC News that he was open to the idea, though he refused to take a clear stand.
“Look, do I think Senator Cruz is right about this? You know, maybe he is. To be honest, I don’t know a lot about taking care of your own business down there. I don’t need to. I’m an amazing lover, the best lover, and I literally have women lined up around the block to be with me. I could have any woman I wanted, so there is no need to for me to be grabbing at very large and not at all inadequate straws. But I do think this business about playing with your own business could have national security implications. Lots of people are saying that our troops overseas are too busy battling the one-eyed monster to take care of the ISIS monster. So I do think this is something we really need to look at. My people still need to sit down with Ted’s people and sweat out the dirty details, but I’m hopeful that we can come together in a way that is mutually satisfying.”
This is not the first time that Cruz has attempted to use his political power to curtail the act of self-stimulation. As solicitor general of Texas in 2007 he fought to uphold the state’s ban on sex toys by arguing that there was no “right to stimulate one’s genitals.” Cruz eventually lost this battle, but the story re-surfaced this year and gained widespread media attention, prompting Cruz’s former college roommate Craig Mazin to tweet that Cruz’s stance against stimulating one’s own genitals was “a new belief of his”, implying that much of Cruz’s time in college was, in fact, spent stimulating his own genitals. Another one of Cruz’s former college roommates, Matt Daemon, has recently come forward to corroborate Mazin’s story.
“Ted Cruz was all about taking care of his own needs back then, which is fine, but he was always really creepy about it. It would be one thing if he was just rubbing one out in his room with the door closed, but I honestly lost track of the number of times I came home to find him sitting on the couch naked, with his penis fully erect, watching re-runs of Walker Texas Ranger. One time when I came home he was even holding a pair of my dirty boxers. I finally just got tired of it and moved out. It literally makes me sick to think about what kind of weird sex stuff that guy must be into. This is the last man who should be legislating people’s morality.”
Cruz’s ultimatum for Trump has also drawn the ire of Planned Parenthood which maintains that self-gratification is a “perfectly normal human behavior” which can play a significant role in reducing the number STIs and unwanted pregnancies.
“Ted Cruz’s policy proposals endanger the health and welfare of Americans of all ages” said the group’s spokeswoman Cassandra Schmidt. “It is unconscionable that a major presidential candidate would seriously consider such a ludicrous proposal.”
Ted Cruz, however, remains undeterred by his detractors. “When you churn Beelzebub’s butter or ring the devil’s doorbell you make the angels in heaven weep, and the angels are weeping for this country 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. America needs strong moral leadership, and I pray that Donald Trump is up to the task. The fate of our great nation is in his hands; hopefully, they’re big enough to handle it.”
Most pundits expect Trump to answer Cruz’s call and demand a stiffer approach to the matter. A recent poll by the New York Times found that 43% of likely Trump voters support a ban on self-stimulation due to moral and religious concerns. Another 46% would be okay with a ban, saying that they, like Trump, have far too many potential suitors, and therefore do not need to satisfy their own urges. Only 11% of Trump supporters are against a ban.
RNC political strategist Paul Horner calls the move a “no-brainer” and says that Trump would be foolish to turn his back on Cruz.
“Conservatives are siding with Cruz overwhelmingly on this issue. If Donald does not side with the Senator, he risks alienating the party’s Christian base and opening the door for a third party run by Cruz which would fracture the vote and all but guarantee a victory for Hillary. Trump needs to take a clear stand and he needs to do it soon.”
Regardless of which side Trump takes on the issue, it is certain to invoke heated debate on both sides of the political aisle. You can voice your opinion about Cruz’s proposal by calling the Senator’s 24-Hour No Self-Love Hotline.